Posted in Journal, life, lessons and wisdom, mental health

The Point of View of Suicidal Person Who Wants to Live

There are times that I think that the world is better off without me. To be honest, I don’t think it would make much difference at all except for my family and close friends. I am suicidal and before you start questioning things, no I am not cutting myself. I don’t want to die. I am not harming myself. I don’t plan to do anything about it. I try not to give in to these thoughts.

I don’t want to wake up in the morning. Every single day I wake up disappointed. I just want to fall into a deep sleep. Sometimes I wonder if oblivion is better than this constant ringings inside my head but I want to be alive.  You may call it both strength and a weakness. I am too scared to inflict pain upon myself but every day a small piece of myself dies. I want to live but not this way. Deep inside, I know that I am fighting for something and maybe it is worth living for.

I don’t want to end my existence yet. I am strong enough not to do it for now but what if it gets worse over the next few days, months or years? What if I got tired and one day I am not strong enough anymore?

I don’t think most people would understand. Especially for those people who knew me, they wouldn’t have guessed that I am going through something inside my head. I am living a normal life. We are not struggling, we are not in debt, we are lucky enough to be able to afford the good things in life, we travel to places and trying to make the best of our circumstances. Every single day I put a mask on in my face just to cover the fact that my mind is a mess.

“You just need to toughen up”

“You shouldn’t think about it”

“Just be positive!”

How I wish it was easy. Believe me I tried my best to always look on the bright side. Sadly, there is no on and off button for this feeling. It’s always there. You can’t just magically wave your wand and expect it to go away. Everyday I am fighting a war inside my head and up until now, no one is winning this battle.

I know that I need help. I am trying my best to cope up with this. I know that there are many things in life that is worth living for. I know that there is so much more to this than sadness, pain and sorrow. I just have trouble seeing it whenever a dark grey mist is surrounding me. I know that this happens to life and not just to myself but it can also happen to everyone.

So if you know someone who is silently suffering. Don’t be too hard on them. We don’t need to be told that we are weak and a coward. We are fighting a war and I think it takes courage to continue living. We are warriors and we are trying but it is not as easy as you think.

 

 

 

 

 

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Posted in heartbreaks, love, My Poetry

Second Time

For the first time

we fall in love

then fall apart

rebuilt new walls

over again.

from time to time

we just love and love

that is always what we keep in mind

we bumped to each other

than fall again

from time to time

we just love and love

Until we reached our end

do you think there will be a third time?

-Allana Alberto

Posted in heartbreaks, love, memories, nostalgia

Memories

I was sitting in the midst of nowhere

Then your voice will echo like radio on air

It will just come back like you’re there

Remembering the memories we use to share

It was full of color and full of passion

Like painting a whole colorless world

It was a mixture of random emotions

When it is my hand that you hold

Capturing each special scene

Running through my mind

And it would constantly spin

It just happened

I did not know since when

But I badly want to play it again

Each season were different songs to sing

You make me fly and you are my wing

I never thought this what love could bring

-Allana Alberto

Posted in heartbreaks, love, My Poetry, Uncategorized

Travelling to your Heart

I was travelling to your heart

Hoping that I’ll recieve the love I need

Venturing through each veins, each part

This emptiness waiting to be fulfilled

I was travelling to your heart

Thr flow is only my need

Each pathway it was a trap, it was dark

Not sure if I could ever go back or be freed

But I got lost in the way

I was in the midst of nowhere I could say

I was just travelling to your heart

In the end, it tore me apart

-Allana Alberto

Posted in bittersweet, hope, love, My Poetry

That Moment

Memories long forgotten

Been both busier than ever

We are strangers

who do not know each other

But our paths once again

crossed each other

I did not know since when

Yet we fall in love again

Like the first time we did

That feeling that came along with

I said I had burnt it

Truly I didn’t

I could not imagine what you’ll do

But when I look at you

The world spins around

And I tripped down

Like the first time I did

That feeling that came along with

And that moment I knew

I’d want to spend eternity with you

-Allana Alberto